So the first knock out round and I think ok, I’m up and ready to attack and then boom pow the next hit…..His wife who was about 7 months pregnant and was his plus one at the wedding. So his friend isn’t cray cray and actually allows his groomsmen to have plus ones!
Before I go into the rest of the story, here’s another important tip:
Surround yourself with strong, encouraging and wonderful people, both in friends and family. When you meet great friends treat them as you would want to be treated, be there for them because you never know when you’ll need their strength. My friends pretty much carried me through and I will always be grateful to be blessed with such amazing women.
So, here I am at home with my Friday night plans swiftly put to bed and reeling from the news and then being hit with another big news…. he has a wife !!!! A pregnant one too!!! This has got to be the worst Friday night ever!!!!
I’m sure you’re wondering how we found out it was his wife right? You may want to grab a drink for this.
I mentioned previously that I had a couple of friends going to this wedding so while one was uncovering one drama, our other friend came over to their table with some observation of her own;
Erm… is that (for the sake of the story, let’s call him Jack) Jack over there? I don’t know but he has been paying a lot of attention to that pregnant lady over there ‘and of course everyone’s attention is turned on pregnant lady. The girls then decide that they should have a chat with Jack to see if he had anything to say about the situation.
I look back and think ‘if only I could be a fly on the wall, perhaps I’d have learnt a lot more’ but I’m not fly so I learnt as events occurred.
I was home though and thankfully with another friend whom I was supposed to be going out with. I was in a state of some sort of shock, taking calls from the girlfriend as well as trying to call Jack and then I get another call from my friend…
‘I think he’s here with his wife or something’
Basically the story goes something like this – my friend and I stepped out to talk to Jack and this pregnant lady (who we think is with him) came out after us acting all weird saying we were talking about her and laughing at her…
‘Jack, what’s going on, these girls keep looking at me and seem to be talking about me…’ and his response… “Jill” (lol, sorry I had to). ‘Jill, get back inside’
Then I had that moment again, I think the world most have stopped!
‘Shit! Jill?!?! ‘
‘Yeah, wait you know who she is???’ 😐😐😐
‘OMG, I knew it, I flipping knew it! This cannot be happening!!!’
‘Who is she?!?’
At this stage, I feel defeated ‘his wife’ …I hung up and cried, I cried like I’d never cried before. I had known all along and I let myself get dragged along in this charade. I cried because I was hurt and at the same time relieved (it was finally all out and it was over) and so many other reasons. It all came out in tears. There’s no avoiding it all now, certainly can’t bury my head in the sand anymore! I wanted a no return sign and here it all was. There was no going back from this, no amount of apology or excuse could make me take him back. I was out of this drawn out relationship that I knew within me I wanted out of but at the same time, didn’t want it to be over but we were done, NO TURNING BACK!
How did I know Jill was the wife?
About a year into our relationship, I had my concerns and kept questioning what the heck this guy may be hiding. Something was not right!!! My gut was trying to tell me something. You know, women’s instincts and all that.
So, I did what was the only normal thing to do….GOOGLE! They say Google is your friend right?! So come on Google let’s get to sleuthing!
Searched his name and trawled through the internet. I searched, found Jack and that he was registered at an address with Jill who has the same surname and was the only name linked to him that I could find. The information was up to date but this guy claimed he lived alone. Also, thanks to auto-complete on my laptop, I could match his address to the one I found.
Just so you know, Jack had no social media so that was out of the question to get any information however, he had joined insta so he could “see what I posted” and Jill was one of his followers but with a private account. Even his siblings had social media but private accounts and nothing about him.
Perhaps I should have sent messages to his siblings!!? They had facebook profiles at least but again, nothing with Jack in it. Weird!
At the time I didn’t know what to think! I should’ve just confronted him and called it quits right? Wrong, I asked him but in a roundabout way and of course he completely denied it.
We even spoke on FaceTime the Saturday after I found Jill’s name linked to his and his address, I was barely paying attention to the conversation, just looking around for signs of another person living with him. I went back through pictures he had sent me before of him in his flat and nothing. Stupid to think I’d get anything from that, I know but I did it anyway.
Somehow I convinced myself that she may just be a relative or just some random family member… you don’t have to say it! Stupid!!! I had asked and done all I could do and gone through my “memory house” to see if anything popped out at me and nothing, so I prayed and let it go. I had no real proof and I couldn’t possibly say I’d done all those searches, could I!!!
Another lesson, the moment doubt creeps in and you can’t shake off that doubt. Maybe it’s time to bow out of the situation.
I however carried on, the three blind mice saw clearer than I did at this point.
So, when the name came up again, I knew exactly who she was!
The girlfriend and I talked again because she also just found out about the wife and she was not happy. She was going to find him and confront him, he had to explain himself! She called her friend and they drove to his place. Jack was ignoring both our calls and had left the wedding with Jill and answers were needed.
So, there’s the girlfriend on a war path and me at home trying to come to terms with everything and patiently waiting for Jack to call back and tell me it was all a bad joke.
He finally called, ‘look, it’s all a misunderstanding. I need to explain everything because it’s not all how it seems’
‘Jack, are you being serious right now? Not how it seems???’
‘I can explain everything but not over the phone, I need to explain but I need to sort things out here first, you shouldn’t have talked to anyone else before talking to me, it’s all been twisted and messed up now but I’ll explain.’
So, I waited… I went through the usual motions trying to keep it together and not cry every time someone asked how I was.
The whole weekend was a struggle but I am again so blessed to have met some amazing people! My girls gave me strength to keep going. That whole weekend I just wanted to sit at home and cry but I didn’t, I wasn’t allowed to.
My best friend called and told me to get my butt up and go out and live my life because life goes on and I can’t be sitting at home crying, ‘he is not worth it!’ Another close friend made sure she drove round to take me out and even to church and I was encouraged every step of the way.
I don’t want to imagine what it would’ve been like trying to deal with this alone.
The manipulator at work
Jack finally calls and I’m like ‘Why? You asked me to trust you and I did! I took a step back, I was pulling away and you dragged me back in, only to have all this drama!!! Why? When you knew that you had all of this going on, why not just let things go when you had the chance? Where you ever going to tell me?’
‘How could I tell you any of this, it’s not the easiest of things to deal with and how would you have reacted? The pregnancy was a mistake, no one in my family knew that I had a child but now they know because “she” has called everyone. I left the country for a couple of weeks when I found out she was pregnant because it was not expected. We were on and off, it wasn’t meant to happen!’
‘Why did you not say anything this whole time? Do you think it would never come out??And your wife???’
‘She’s not my wife!’
‘So, she just happens to have your last name and same address as you???’
‘No, it’s not like that… let me call you back!’
At this stage, I should have just blocked his ass and let go but it’s not that easy, I wanted an explanation. I wanted to understand. I mean, it made no sense to me whatsoever and I needed clarity on the whole situation so I was going to keep talking to him until I got the information because I deserved to know!!! Crazy! I know but he wasn’t going to just get away with it.
I should also note that the girlfriend and I were still chatting. So the minute he hangs up I sent her a message to tell her what was said and when he spoke to her, she’d send me a message to let me know what was said however the “baby mama” was also telling Jack everything I told her adding her own side notes to our conversation … what happened to solidarity and all that, sisters sticking together… I clearly think too much of people sometimes. Here I thought we had something in common and we could stand together and get to the bottom of this huge betrayal but apparently it was each person for themselves! Fair Enough, she owes me nothing right?!
I say this because the next time Jack called and I was expecting apologies but he tried to flip the situation and basically he said he couldn’t tell me anything or explain because his conversations with me were being twisted and played back to him and that I had made up stuff about our relationship and told his girlfriend!
Hello proverbial slap!!!
How did we go from you being the issue to what I said and to whom?!? You cannot be serious right now!!!
I’m done! Call ends, his number deleted and I’m sooooo done!
A few days later, I had been reading up on forgiveness etc and being the “good Christian girl” that I am (hehe) I sent a message, I’ll never understand but I forgive you! Deleted all messages and that was that!
You’re wondering why I did that right. I wish I had just left things as they were but we live and learn.
When I sent the message, I thought that in order for me to fully forgive and start the healing process, I had to say to the person that I forgave them…
But that message prompted a regrettable sequence – my phone rings – hmmmm, that wasn’t meant to happen….
‘Oh I didn’t think you’d pick up’
Oh dear Lord please give me strength
‘I didn’t mean to, wish I hadn’t’
‘Can you talk? We need to talk’
‘No! I’m on the train home!!!’ Now that really should’ve been no, never call me again you sick SOB .
‘Ok, I’ll call you later’
Manipulation lesson 101 –
When you’ve offended someone, find a sob story and lay it on the person you’ve upset thick and fast. Apparently, that is supposed to make the offended party forget the issue at hand and feel sorry for you.
Does it work? Yes, when you really cared about the person however, it’s not a long term solution.
He called, we spoke, sorry I meant he spoke, about how he had been so ill since everything happened, how he would’ve called sooner to explain but he just was too sick (yes, please roll your eyes with me) we should meet up and talk things through. He didn’t think I’ll take his call and thought I’d have blocked him which would’ve really hurt him more than anything else… me, me, me.
I’d like to point out at no point was there a “how have you been coping”. Nothing!
Conversation ended and we were back to messaging each other. I have no idea what he thought was going to happen or maybe he thought he was back in but I was still after that explanation.
We made arrangements to meet up the following week and I thought finally, I will have an ending to this story and some sort of an understanding that will allow me to close this chapter and move on. D Day arrives, I head out to the city and I dressed up, made sure I looked great! In my head, I was singing ‘best thing you never had, you turned out to be the best thing I never I had’ (the Beyoncé song) We walk to the bar in silence, I order a drink and we grab a table and nothing, so I decide to start the conversation;
‘So, what do you have to say about this whole situation?’
‘Why don’t you ask the questions and I’ll answer’
‘Off to a great start already….fine then!’
I started asking the questions, asked about his daughter and he confirmed, yes, it was his child and the girlfriend you claim you guys were on and off??
‘She’s my girlfriend’
‘She IS your girlfriend! Wow!!!
‘I’ve told you, she is not my wife! I can’t go into details about how we are connected because that’s personal and I’m not going to share the details’
Wow!!! Ok… so that’s how this is going to go!!! I’m getting the attitude. This boy best watch himself, cause I’m about to switch!
‘So, you didn’t tell your “GIRLFRIEND” that you married her because you were trying to help her out with stuff???’
‘This is exactly what I said before, you guys seem to have become best friends talking all the time and sharing information about things. Then the things I say get twisted and I hear it from one of you and it’s completely twisted. If you guys already know everything then you should just keep talking to each other. I don’t even want to say anything anymore’
‘Are. You. Being. Serious right now! Are you forgetting that the reason we are meeting is because of what you have done? You are in the wrong and you’re talking about people twisting your words and trying to switch things to what? Lay blame on who? Perhaps if you had tried being honest in the first place, you wouldn’t be getting this shit!!!!
Do you know what, you are scum, you do not deserve my time or to share the same air that I breathe. Delete my number and don’t ever contact me!’
I grab my bag and walked out of the bar. One thing I do regret, is not pouring my glass of wine over him. That would have been so so good! I think. LOL. If I did pour my wine over him though, it wouldn’t have stopped there and I may be in jail right now for GBH or worse…. LOL
I walked out, deleted his number, blocked his ass and I felt so free! The question people ask, is if he ever tried to contact me. I have no idea. He still watches my insta-stories so I’ve now blocked him on that too. (I did not know you could block people on insta LOL).
A couple Sundays after this, our lead pastor preached on 360 degrees forgiveness. He used an epic example on how un-forgiveness works; when you are bitten by a snake, you can do 2 things, let the poison work its way through your system while being angry at the snake and trying to take out the snake or harm the snake and then it kills you OR, you realise that you’ve been bitten and you need to get the venom out, you let the snake go and you get yourself urgent help to get the venom out.
Same theory with forgiveness, trying to hold on to the grudge and wanting to exact revenge does nothing for you. You just become bitter and you hold yourself back. You have just got to let go and work on moving on and work on improving yourself.
When he finished preaching, I was in tears (probably)along with a few people in the service but I needed to hear that.
It was finally time to move on, I needed to stop plotting ways to hurt him, I needed to get rid of the poison fast before it consumed me and just let go! The minute I made that decision, I could feel the weights just fall off and I could start living again. I made some rash decisions and went on a bunch of dates, maybe made some calls and started chatting to people I shouldn’t have but I knew there was no fulfilment in any of that and I needed to start living for me.
So, I am in a moment of singleness and I am enjoying me time. When the right guy comes along, I certainly will be ready because I know I won’t be holding on to any grudges or holding on to the past. Another thing I’ve learnt is that I am strong and I am unbreakable. When life pulls me back, I will keep aiming because something amazing is ahead of me.
The past can certainly define your future, you can either use it to make the best out of what is to come or you let it hold you back.