To do it or not to do it – That is the question

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Based on recent conversations I’ve heard and had, the one topic everyone has is the sex talk! It’s a hot topic, whether you’re doing it or not doing it or you want to do it but not sure if you should do it (LOL) we still talk about it! I have therefore decided to put pen to paper about the big “IT” and some of the views that I’ve heard or read about.

A friend of mine mentioned the following and I’m going to incorporate the statement into this blog;

Everyone has vices, for some it’s wine (that’ll be my vice), others money, some the most fashionable bag or shoe and then of course we have Sex! I can see the bubble question already floating over some heads ‘is sex a vice?’ ‘How is sex a vice?’ etc. Whether or not we see it as a vice, it’s certainly something we all talk about and will at some point in life partake in. Personally speaking, I would not say sex is a vice and I’m sure many people will agree with me however, it can become just that if you allow it supersede other important needs or things in our life. When sex becomes that thing that you go chasing and it causes issues in your relationships then you know there’s a problem.

The IT Factor

I’m sure we’ve all been in this situation – picture this – you’re out with your friends and the sex talk comes up and somebody’s like ‘OMG so we did it and it was sooooo good’ or something along those lines. Like wait wait wait, what is IT??? Why not just use the word sex, it’s a word that every person has heard and they know what the word means and entails, I mean even my pastor uses the word sex on stage so why do we shy away from it. I’m coming from the female perspective here, I’m sure some guys have their own term or slang that they use instead of IT.
We live in a society where sex is something very natural and we are not children where you use the word sex, giggle and run away so please let’s get comfortable with it people! SEX! I mean if you’d rather not say sex then you can always use the word “coitus” that’s a personal favourite.

Now that we’ve cleared up the IT issue and we are all comfortable with saying sex, let’s get started on how I’ve come to write about the topic.

Leave it on the shelf or take it out for a test drive

The long game:-

I was out with some friends recently and we had a bit of a round table discussion about sex and the different views on whether or not to have sex before marriage, how sex or lack thereof sometimes ties into cheating and even the research into sex and how it affects people. This I think is why it’s such a hot topic because everyone’s views are always different in one way or another.

I’ve read several articles about how sex connects people on a deeper level so much so that some people say it’s a spiritual connection. A recent article I read stated that Sex is a tridimensional experience: spirit, soul, and body. Anytime you have sex with a person you bond with them. Whenever a person is sexually involved with another person, neurochemical changes occur in both their brains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding.

Your limbic system is an ancient collection of brain structures located deep within the brain. The limbic system is the emotional part of your brain and processes your sense of smell, stores highly charged emotional memories, and affects all sleep and appetite cycles, moods, sexuality, and bonding.

So, imagine connecting with someone on such a deep level without realising the emotional attachment that comes with it and then after some good loving, you wonder why you want to see the person more even though it was meant to be just for fun or before “IT” you thought you weren’t fussed either way and then you are? It’s the limbic emotional bonding!!! Ok, here’s a fun example:-

One of my friends, let’s call her Lisa. Lisa and her ex are on what I now realise to be a long game and are bound by their limbic emotional systems. How? Lisa doesn’t talk to her ex, we’ll call him Sean. Let me try and start from the beginning, sort of;

Lisa and Sean dated like 5 years ago and they broke up over 2 years now however, if they set eyes on each other, you know one person will be at the others place even if they claim they are not interested. They don’t talk at all, no messages or calls or random ‘hey! How’re you?’ and they only bump into each other every 6 to 7 months but when they do… the story ends up the same. Let me give you an example. We had a girl’s night out, drinks and clubbing after. At the club, We see Sean and his friends but both Lisa and Sean pretended they did not see each other the whole night right but there was a lot of peacocking going on and then come the end of the night, they “suddenly” notice each other like a casual ‘hey, I didn’t know you were here’. ‘Oh I didn’t know you were here either, I’m off home now though. Byeeee’. The next day, my girl is like ‘oh you wouldn’t believe it, Sean ended up at mine last night’. (insert rolling eyes). ‘Oh!!! Seriously!!!! When was the last time you guys spoke??’ ‘Hmmm, well we haven’t in a while, last time we kind of bumped into each other on a night out and well… you know… but I know it’s never going to happen between us, I mean, I want it to but he’s got all these issues and can’t be bothered to go down that route again but *sigh*’….

I’m sure you’re wondering what the above has to do with this Limbic emotional bonding right – well the article I read went on to explain the following;                                        People are misinformed and therefore convinced that sex is strictly a single-dimensional, physical act with no emotional or spiritual connections. Yet after sex they find themselves mysteriously longing for the person

Near the center of the brain lies the deep limbic system. This part of the brain sets the emotional tone of the mind, promotes bonding, stores highly charged emotional memories and modulates motivation and libido. Whenever you have sex with someone, neurochemical changes occur in your brain that encourage limbic emotional bonding. In other words, while you may think you are just having casual sex, you are maintaining and establishing an emotional bond whether you like it or not. Note that females have a larger limbic system than men and will typically be more limbically connected. So if you’re trying to get over someone, literally, do not get on top of them! Sex with the ex is stopping those chemical limbic bonds to break.

Research suggests that people may crave their ex-partner similarly to the way addicts crave a drug they are withdrawing from. Basically, stay away from the Sean’s in your life!!!

Then we have the no sex before marriage based on bible reading. There is no explicit verse in the bible that says “you must not have sex before you get married” but the bible alludes to sex outside of the marriage being immoral. 1 Corinthians 7 – talks a little about abstaining from sex and only having sexual intercourse with your spouse (husband/wife) because of the level of immorality. I’m sure there are other scriptures that we can find about sex being immoral or being a sin but we still have sex or still want to have sex and when you do have sex outside of marriage should you feel guilty? Well this is where the Liberal view comes in.

The Liberal View:-

The liberal Christian would still have sex outside of marriage and is of the view that the bible telling us to abstain from sex is to protect us from the pain and hurt that comes with it and I do agree on some level. Due to sexual immorality and the bond created between two people after having sex, you leave yourself open to getting hurt and this is for both men and women, as women, we would show our hurt and you will know that we are hurt but most guys will try to hide it. Can a guy really say he doesn’t care if he never hears from a girl after sex??? (I wouldn’t know but I think they feel the pain too and just don’t say).                                                                                                                       When you are married and in a committed relationship, you are in it for the long haul, you know that you need to work through issues that may come up during your marriage but at dating stage, people can easily duck out after a disagreement. So yes, there is a reason why the bible tells us to abstain but if you do the deed, you need to know what you are setting yourself up for. It’s quite simple, you don’t get into a situation thinking there’ll be no consequence and it’s the same with sex. The liberal Christian believes in the try before you buy. Why? No scientific reason but imagine getting married without testing the goods, then you get married and the sexual connection isn’t there and the goods are not satisfactory???? *gasp* my answer to this was there is always google to teach you some tips and tricks and there are some shops that provide additional assistance (if you know what I mean). Basically, the lib-view is that they will have sex, they are aware of the consequences and that you also need to try and guard your heart. Just don’t be too loose with the goods, loosey goosey. Like I mentioned, I would agree with the liberal view. I’m not one to sleep with just anyone but at the same time, I would like to take it out for a test drive first as sex is an important part of a relationship. You may connect with someone on one level but your connection after sex is on a much deeper level and could make a huge difference but to contradict myself, if I meet a guy that is happy to wait until after marriage then yes I’ll be happy to at the end of the day, we both know we are in it together and can make sure we limit the physical touches so nobody gets tempted past the point of no return. Will I have concerns on how the wedding night will turn out? Of course!!! But it’s not the end of the world and we live in a world that provides us with tools to help in most things. .

I want to abstain but he doesn’t

Now this situation is a tough one as far as I am concerned because both parties need to be on the same page or open to working with each other so that the other person’s principles are not compromised but then again, that’s just my opinion, let’s expatiateSay you meet a guy and before meeting you had made the resolution that you will keep yourself until marriage but this guy ticks all the boxes and comes across as a great person. You have most of the same beliefs, interests and are of the same faith but he does not believe in the no sex before marriage and then after a few weeks of dating, you end up in a situation where he wants to have sex, you’re getting those tingly feelings too but you’re having the inner battle of not “doing it” because you believe it’s not the right thing to do. You then give into your animalistic needs and the coitus happens, bear in mind that the other person is fully aware that you wanted to wait, then what?                    Should you feel guilty? Is the guy inconsiderate? Or, what’s happened has happened now, I still have my views and I don’t want this to happen again but he wants sex, so now what? Or, you’ve had sex now so might as well continue but as long as it’s just with the same guy? In my opinion, I think que sera sera – what’s done is done!                               The next step is to think about what is good for you and what you want! Feel guilty, yes but you can’t turn back the hands of time and you can’t dwell on the fact that you broke a rule. Don’t let it become a massive weight on your shoulders. If you are into the guy and he is also into you, I think, you can either work together where you are both happy. That is you either let go of that one rule or you let him know that you are not comfortable with “doing it” and see if he is happy to abstain with you but then again, he’s put his hand in the cookie jar already, that lid is off so will he really agree for the cookies to be stored away?!                                                                                                                             In this scenario, I think you need to be willing to let go of that relationship and find someone more suitable for you.

We should not have to feel pressured into doing something we don’t want to do or more appropriately, we should not feel pressured to give up something so valuable because when you have sex with someone, you are giving up a very valuable part of yourself because of the deeper connection that is formed from the act. Again, it goes back to the limbic bonding system.                                                                                                               Often we get intuitive messages we can choose to listen to or ignore when it comes to prospective partners and maybe now is the time to develop the confidence and strength to listen. If you have doubts, listen to that inner voice and if the voice is saying don’t “DO IT” then just say no!!! Here’s the thing, it’s hard, especially if it’s a guy you are into but if he truly cares and wants to be with you then he will respect your wishes and even when you’re the one trying to make moves, he’ll be your support and remind you that you want to wait and it’s the same across the board not just girls trying to abstain and guys wanting sex. Sometimes, its girls wanting it and guys trying to abstain either way! NO (practice it) saying no can be fun! It’s certainly not easy though, especially when you’re

 saying no but your body is saying yes. LOL.

The Façade –

I love it when I tell people I’m a Christian, as in a practising Christian and they try to give me side eye. Why? I am liberal in terms of my views about sex and sexuality, I like to go out, I have tattoos and I love my wine and so on but some people have placed themselves in the position of judge and jury. Some of these people if you tell them about sex and ask their opinions about having sex, you would think that you had asked them to commit some grave sin.  It’s a sad reality but yes you do get the hypocritical people that would preach abstinence and being the perfect person and tell you to abstain because it’s a sin and so on and so forth but do these people really preach what they preach or is it all a façade, a mask that they were for the outside world but what really happens behind closed door?                                                                                                                                   

How do we know that they are practising what they are trying to preach and not doing the exact opposite when no one else can see them? I mean you can hide from the human eye but there is still that greater being that see what you do behind closed doors.              If you want to preach the good word, then there is a way to do so without being offensive or judgemental, there is a way of trying to get people to understand if you think they are in the wrong without being rude. take the log out of your eye before trying to take the speck out of someone else’s eye’. There is no one perfect person and we all fall short whether we want to or not and it’s because we are human.                                                    With regards to falling short when it comes to sex, it’s easier than you expect. When you are attracted to a person, research tells us that we produce certain hormones that affect our feelings: dopamine, the reward hormone; prolactin, the hormone of satiation; oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, and levels of androgen receptors, which all powerfully affect our mood, our desire for intimacy, our perception of our mate, as well as our susceptibility to addictive activities and substances Additionally the stimulant phenylethylamine (PEA) is involved.                                                                                                                                              I’m no scientist so I can’t even begin to try and explain the above to you in more detail (sorry) but my understanding is that at some level, these hormones affect our moods and desires and at some level you find yourself with sexual desires for your partner.           There are further scientific researches about what happens when the levels of hormones drop and these apparently could be an explanation as to why some relationships fail. At the end of the day, if someone is trying to explain to me why I should abstain before marriage, I’d appreciate a reasonable explanation but don’t point a finger and try to act all high and mighty!

What would He say?

I would love to get a male’s perspective on the topic, not a warped view or a sugar coated view or whatever, like a real point of view. I’m sure that on some level a guy would agree with most of the above as I feel it’s quite generalised even though it’s based mostly on the female perspective but what I would want to know is what else a guy would add to it, how they feel if they were abstaining or how they would react to a girl who wants to abstain? Just their view. Going back to the Limbic bonding, research notes that a male’s limbic emotional bonding is smaller than that of a female. Apparently, during sex, men and women are effected differently – Men release more dopamine while women release more Oxycontin, dopamine is more of a pleasure chemical while Oxycontin is more of a bonding and attachment chemical (after childbirth, women release more oxycontin and it’s towards the child). These two hormones alongside androgen receptors, prolactin and phenylethylamine (PEA) are created while having sex but the effects on the male and female differ.
Anyway, people/ research says that men have sex on their mind a lot more than women and because of the size of their limbic system, they are easy to please and easily distracted by the opposite sex… I hope I’ll be able to write more on the male view as I think it would be quite an interesting read.

A little bit more science dopamine, the reward hormone; prolactin, the hormone of satiation; oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, and levels of androgen receptors, which all powerfully affect our mood,  our desire for intimacy, our perception of our mate, as well as our susceptibility to addictive activities and substances. (Don’t ask I am just as confused by all this but I am looking to learn more).

I’ll need to end this here otherwise I may end up writing a book… I’d definitely appreciate comments and views though 🙂

xoxo

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On the Journey to Forgiveness

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It’s been  about 7 months now since the epic break-up drama I had over the summer, I have had a lot of time to reflect and think about things that happened, how I felt and currently working through how I feel.

It still feels very much like it was all a movie and I still ask myself how on earth that happened to me but it did happen and now I need to truly stay on the path of forgiveness and moving on. I occasionally find myself thinking back to the “good times” and I certainly find that sometimes I get emotional, I suppose it means I’m still working through the pain and maybe I am still holding on to some of the feelings. I have however had some time to reflect and actually think about it all and I think that now, I can express how I felt and how I now feel.

People who know the story or read my blog about the events have asked me how I now feel, and thinking back, at the time, I was hurting but I put on a front. I pushed it all to the back of my mind so I told people that I was OK and glad that everything came out when it did and gave positive answers because I thought, if I think positively and look to the future for what is to come and just stay strong, then that would help ease the pain. I wanted to work through my feelings and in my head and heart, I thought the first step would be speak positively and speak into the future, pray and everything else will follow. It turns out instead that I put up my defence walls, closed off my heart and tried to move on. I tried to forgive and forget but instead I was working more on forgetting but forgetting in the wrong way. What do you mean?! I hear you ask: I was trying to forget by keeping myself constantly busy, an idle mind is the devil’s workshop – they say. Externally, this allowed me to remain strong, especially when I was out or with people. It meant that I did not fall apart every time someone asked me what happened.  Internally and when I was home alone, most times I was fine but sometimes, I was in an emotional battle with myself. I went from feeling that I hated my ex to thinking maybe I shouldn’t have found out to thinking I wish I never got into a relationship with him and so on it went.

We all have different ways of dealing with our emotions; some people cry and isolate themselves, some just want to talk about things and some crack jokes and laugh it off… (I’m the make “jokes and try to laugh it off” person in front of the general population but I also like to talk about things as it helps me understand and work through my emotions), some hit the gym or the bottle or the ice-cream, whatever the case, we all deal with emotions in different ways. I don’t like to get emotional in public so my default was to laugh it off or say something that could come off as being blasé.  Don’t get me wrong, I cried and even recently, I was reading something that reminded me of my ex and then I remembered the hurt and I welled-up but I didn’t really let the tears flow. It’s what worked for me. A quick tear, wipe, blink the rest back and I’m done. Crying is a chore, runny nose, sore eyes, headaches, that crying face… LOL … oh and the swollen eyes after…. eurgh….not something I want to do outside of the comfort of my home where I have things I need to deal with the aftermath of crying. Yes, I am a control freak of sorts!

Anyway, we are not here about the emotions I have been working through. This blog is more about working through Forgiveness and learning to trust again.

Colossians 3: 14 – Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

I have learnt that forgiving someone doesn’t stop at saying “I forgive you” or forgiving the things were done to you and praying about the forgiving the person. It’s more about learning to forgive from within and letting go of everything that was done to hurt you. Forgiveness is a matter of the heart, the more you hold onto the past and things that hurt you, the longer you hold on to un-forgiveness.  I know, it sounds super complicated but I am trying to figure it out for myself.  When you truly forgive from within, you fully let go of all the residual feelings, you work through letting go of the hate and the pain. It’s easy to say the right things and think about doing the right thing but what it comes down to is your heart. How do you really feel when you think about the person that wronged you.

Here’s the thing, the break-up happened, all very sudden and so dramatic and my initial reaction was to prove I was strong but I went about it the wrong way. Why? I decided to jump straight back in the dating game. Wrong move and I realised as soon as I started, that I was making a mistake, I was creating more of an avenue to get hurt and possibly hurt someone. Each person I spoke to or went on a date with, I thought, ‘this isn’t going to work, don’t think I can trust this guy’.  My thought process, guys were all crap, all the same and I wasn’t going to put myself through this nonsense again. Another mistake… and as I mentioned my defensive walls were up, my heart was guarded and on lock down mode, and that was a very big mistake because once the walls go up and you lock up your heart, coming back from that is a long and arduous road. Also, I found that whenever I thought of my ex it wasn’t very nice thoughts, I stopped watching certain things because it was something we did together, seeing or doing somethings were odd because it linked back to him and I mean, that is not living and certainly not moving on.

Here’s what I am learning, the above reactions are all part of un-forgiveness because I was clearly still holding onto the hurt. I thought I was working through forgiving him, I had listened to the story about the poisonous snake and knew I needed to let the snake go and the poison out but perhaps I didn’t let go of the proverbial snake quick enough.  The poison was in my bloodstream and working its way through my being and clogging up my heart.

God made our hearts for love, joy, peace and wholeness but un-forgiveness can make us forget what we were made for “ (Quote from Bruce Wilkinson – The Prayer of Jabez). Our hearts are meant to be an open door but hurt, pain and heartbreak cause that door to become a prison. Locked up to the extent that we remain closed off to the good things God has in store for us.

Finding the key to my heart

Realisation hit me recently and I clearly still have a lot of work to do. Was there a specific thing that happened? No, I don’t think so. I got home one night, I had been watching a TV series, Keeping Faith on my way home from work and at the end of the show, one of the sound tracks came on – Pain by Amy Wedge. The lyrics got to me, I welled up and kept trying to blink it back, tried the various “tricks” I learnt to stop the tears coming but just couldn’t (thankfully, I was walking home so I just needed to get in doors).  I just about got in the door when I broke down. I let it all out, if I lived in a house in the middle of nowhere I would have screamed. Instead, I sat down and had a good and proper cry. It was like a bulb had been turned on or something had been ignited and I needed to let go, I did and it felt good. I sat there for a long time, thinking about everything and this time around, I wasn’t thinking about the betrayal and all the drama that happened, no, I was thinking about how I had been holding everything in and holding myself back and I thought about how desperately I needed to move on and make myself free and available to love again and how much work was needed. Another thing that may have helped me come to this realisation is a devotional about Forgiveness, so on my hallway floor I penned an email to my ex. I was going to share it but I’ve decided against it :).

To summarise, I expressed my hurt and how I wanted to hate him but I couldn’t, how much I wish I could understand why he did the things he did and how he took my trust and crushed it and on and on. Sending that email was mostly for myself and sort of an outlet and I felt he should know how I felt. I got up, prayed for the healing of my little heart and I went to bed.

Since that night, I can honestly say that I feel like a weight has been lifted. I don’t feel as closed off as I did before and hopefully with time. I can be free of it all.

Let me share a little secret, I have a little crush on someone and to be honest, I doubt anything will come of it but should it happen, I need to be in the right frame of mind for the future and if it doesn’t happen (currently I think, it’s more than likely not to happen) then I don’t want to feel like that was the last straw. Even if it was to happen, whether it’s the “crush” or someone else. It would be hard when I have closed off all avenues to allow myself to freely live so I am taking another step, learning to trust again and this time, I am really letting go.

Psalm 55: 22 – Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

Isaiah 43:18 – Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past.

Welcome 2018!!!

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Hey lovely people! I thought I should write a few words ahead of 2018 because whatever may happen, I am excited and I will always look ahead at what is to come.

2017 has been so eventful but I believe I have come out a stronger and hopefully a better person.

I have loved and I thought for the briefest moment that I may not be able to love again but that is so untrue, I will keep on loving because I know there is one true love that supersedes all love and if he can love so infinitely then I can do the best I can to share the love within me, I have a great example to emulate.

2017 has brought some really amazing people into my life and I have also done life with the amazing people I already had in my life and I am looking forward to what 2018 has in store for us!

So, as we go into the new year let it be full of love, joy, happiness, life lessons, blessings and everything you can think of. One thing I’ve learnt is that I am strong. We are all strong in our own way and we can take on so much more than we think we can bear.

When life deals you one blow, pick yourself back on and forge on. Don’t do life alone, surround yourself with family and real friends. Love unconditionally and know that you are loved too.

God has been my everything and I know he will continue to be just that.

I am excited to write more stories to share with everyone and excited for what’s to come. Bring it on 2018!!! Let’s go into being a BOSS!

Much love xoxo

Beautifully Joy

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My life or a movie…

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‘I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!                                                                       

That was pretty much the beginning of the end of what I thought was a relationship back on track.

I’d had a great day at work and was going out to celebrate a friends birthday and it was going to be a great night! Friday night and summer, outfit ready just waiting for a friend to come over for pre-drinks before we head out….. and then it all came crashing down pretty quickly!                                                                                                                   

If I’m honest with myself, I had a lump in my stomach for most of the day and just had a feeling that the day could go horribly wrong or it’ll be all good.                                    

What happened???? I hear you ask? Well, grab a drink and some popcorn and I’ll share the story of how my 2 year long relationship disintegrated without warning in one evening and in the most dramatic way.

Let’s go back about 2 years and a bit, I had been in a situationship that I was so done with! I had become a part of my church community and starting this new amazing walk and journey with great people and if I met a guy it’d be the cherry on top. What better way to find said “cherry” than online dating so I jumped on Tinder, did some swiping 🙈🙈got chatting to folks until the accidental swipe right… Basically I was having a swipe right moment and without paying much attention swiped right on this profile which I genuinely meant to swipe left on and boom we were a match😏. At the time, I thought eurgh, that’s annoying oh well if the dude sends me a message I’ll probably ignore or not bother making an effort. And wouldn’t you believe it, he sent a message 🙄🙄🙄 let me explain his profile – 1 picture in black and white, dude had sunglasses on and it wasn’t a close up shot. His narrative was non-existent just name and age!                                              Well, he sent a message and the chat was actually really good.  What is it they say, don’t jugde a book by it’s cover!  At the time he was on holiday with his family, we exchanged numbers, he called me and I was hooked. He sent me some pictures and 😍😍😍 helloooooo Mr!!!  Good looking guy, sounds really nice, has a good job and OMG he can sing and plays the guitar!!!! I could hear the angels singing LOL.

We arranged to meet up when he was back and I could not wait. I normally dread dates but this one, I simply could not wait. When we talked, it was like I’d known him forever, I thought we clicked and the banter was there, so please roll on date night. Date night comes by, it was great and the next date arranged and so on and so forth. We would WhatsApp all day everyday, from the morning till I fell asleep. There was only a very small non-issue and that simply was that he lived at the very opposite end of London from me and he had a very busy work schedule and I had a very busy schedule too however that was a non-issue and we made it work.                                                                                                             

Fast forward a few months and things were moving on nicely, he’d come over to my place, we’d spend time together, however, this came with less date nights🤔🤔I thought ok, that’s cool.. We don’t always have to go out!!!! We are still spending time together, I saw him every Saturday but he would always come over to my place, never the other way round but he had a very good excuse, at least that’s what I told myself. He drives, I don’t, he can just drive down and he has family that leaves around my area anyway so it made sense for him to come over and it was just easier right!!!

The bump in the road

About 8 months into our relationship, a tragedy occurred in his family and he went a bit quiet, withdrew a little and our conversations became stunted but I still saw him, not as often as I’d have liked but I chalked it up to all the things going on in his life at the time. I must say that I was a little hurt at the time that he didn’t allow me to be there for him but people deal with things in different ways so let’s give him time (there I go again making up excuses SMH) after a while things got back on track, however our regular Saturday meetups had changed to maybe seeing him once a month but we’d still chat everyday so I put up and shut up for as long as I could until it became an issue that  needed to be addressed… ’Hey baby, I know you’ve been through a lot lately but things have not been great with us, I don’t see you, we chat all the time but we need to spend time together. Otherwise, what are we doing? This isn’t a phone relationship and if you can’t do this then maybe you know…’ (Notice how I don’t say, lets call it quits).    He apologised, said he’d make it up to me and it had been a stressful couple months and I know all that had been happening but he gets it and will work on it.  Over time, the  “I’ll work on it and I’ll get better baby” line became a thing.  Same conversation every other week…. like why am I still in this thing! It’s so messed up!!!

You guys can also see the signs already right? You’re thinking, girl you need to let his ass go!  Here’s the thing, I thought it too but for some reason, when you’re in that position, it’s always harder than you think to just be like ‘boy bye’! Like I can’t just give up, what will people say? I’d be expected to have tried harder and be patient and pray! Isn’t that what is expected of me?!

 

So I continued on with the relationship….. Where I had to remind him to be a better boyfriend. I would get stroppy and stop contacting him, he would be like baby what’s wrong, I’d go off on a tangent about not seeing him and constantly having to chase him down to do things together and blah blah blah😒😓 he would tell me that it was work and I just needed to tell him when he was slacking and he’d buck up and he wanted us to work!                                                                                                                                            Hmmm😐😐 somebody please help! I don’t think that’s usually how relationships work or is it? I mean is there a rule book or guide book somewhere to explain the do’s and don’t’s…. cause this does not feel right… but I mean if that’s what is supposed to happen then I guess we should work it out!!! Right??   At the end of the day all relationships are different  and we need to work on our relationship!!! Ha! Yeah right!!!! More like serious warning signs saying girl get the heck out!!!  My intuition was on fire and I should have just left but no! 😒😏

Here’s a lesson, I wish I had heard before we got here. When you get in the car and you’re heading out to a place you’ve not been to before. The first thing you would normally do is get your satnav out and enter your destination and you are on the right track to the place you’re going. You don’t start driving and then be like, oh… I think I’m lost, let me get out my satnav and pop in my destination. You’ll be lost, most likely late, frustrated cause you’ve wasted time and who knows what else. Well same thing for a relationship, we shouldn’t go in blindly. Set your destination from the get go and both people know where they are heading. I didn’t do this, I just assumed we were both on the same track maybe it would’ve saved a lot of time.MAYBE!!!

 

I’m over this, time to move on!!!

Fast forward 2 years on and I had reached the end of my tether. I was in love or what I thought was love. I really wanted us to work but it was just draining and I was done. It’s time for me to move on and it was also the season for it. Summertime! BBQ invites coming through, parties, drinks and lots happening with church and we had a big conference that was taking place so I thought, right this is it. I’ll just starting taking steps away from this guy. Cut back on the various ties and slowly loosen the leash he had on me and then I cut loose and run 🏃🏾‍♀️🏃🏾‍♀️🏃🏾‍♀️there’ll be no more messages from me to him and I’ll use the Conference and being busy as an excuse 👍🏾👍🏾 I had it all worked out.   There was also had another guy showing some serious interest so he would help keep me occupied right?! Then I won’t have to message my dude or miss his company so much!                      Disclaimer: The guy showing interest knew I had a boyfriend by the way but he still wanted to pursue me 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️ so hello, distraction accepted!

 

During Conference I said I quick prayer:                                                                                   

God, help me, if this is the man for me then help us work through things and get stronger but if this is not the guy for me, let something heavy happen that I will not be able to ignore or take him back. Amen  (something along those lines)

 

Suddenly I’m getting messages during the conference from my boyfriend “what’s wrong? You’re pulling away? I know there’s an issue! Let’s talk! Call me! When are you free and on and on it went.                                                                                                                              So, I called him,(I know, I don’t learn) we spoke and arranged to meet up. He was apologetic, he promised to make it up to me and we would go out all week and things would change. He came over and we talked about the issues and he said how much he wanted to be with me and how we had this “connection” and so on and so forth. All the right words. So I thought, well, I guess we are back on track again…                                        We met up as promised for our renewed relationship  and yaaass we were back on track! He was really making an effort, things felt good. Yay🙏🏾 Thank you Lord, I guess this is it. Message to other guy, sorry, I can’t meet up with you, my boyfriend is taking me out instead, so sorry’ I haven’t been forgiven by this other guy for that move yet. LOL but that’s another story for perhaps another day.

 

Let the drama begin: My guy was going to be a groomsman at his friends wedding, to which I did not get an invite as apparently it was a very small wedding and he did not get a plus one 🤔 ‘but babe you’re the groomsman, how does that make any sense that you don’t get a plus one??? Anyway whatever, I’m busy at work so won’t even make it but an invite would’ve been nice!’  As per usual, he apologised and there was nothing he could do and you know the usual.  I mean, this is just ridiculous!!! This guy, you say you’ve known for years, he’s like family and your girlfriend does not get an invite??? Whatever!!!!  Coincidentally, a couple of my friends were also going to the wedding so I asked that they let me know what he is like or if he turned up with someone else because It made no sense to me how he did not get a plus one but this friend knew he was in a relationship 😏🤨 something was definitely off and then I spent the whole day with a lump in my stomach waiting for the message that I knew was coming.

And then it happened, the expected but dreaded message came through… ‘I’m so sorry’ from my friend💔💔💔 I remember feeling like someone had turned off all noise and everything was just this buzzing noise. The light in the room seemed to have intensified and all I could focus on was my phone.                                                 

‘OMG, tell me! What is it??’ My heart was racing so hard.

Then my friend called me:

‘I’m so so sorry, omg, I’m so sorry’

Please just tell me!!!

‘Ok, so he has a girlfriend and they just had a baby, she’s about 3 months old’

……………

My world caved in and  I wanted to die!!! Like can the floor open up now or maybe a freak lighting anything please!!!

No?! I’m still here oh and wait what is it my friend is saying..

‘My friends sister is the girlfriend, she had no idea and wants to talk to you, can she call you?’

‘Erm, what?! Oh… erm… OMG… shit… yeah sure I guess so…’

Enters the girlfriend/ baby momma – she calls and asks if it was true that I was in a relationship with the dude and I said yes for 2 years! She asked several other questions and told me they’d been together for 5 years but she’d known him a lot longer. They just had a baby girl who was only 3 months old and on the Saturday just gone they even went out for dinner to celebrate her birthday, she had her concerns too and was thinking about hiring a PI to find out what was going because he was hiding things and on and on the story went! We spoke for a while sharing our stories and basically everything he  said to both of us was the same except some slight changes like who he was with at certain times or days.

I was stumped, we both were because our dear man had it all worked out to the letter. You see, we both lived about a 15mins drive from each other so he sees her and then me and so on.. During the week, when he’s “out with work” he’s with me and vice versa.     This guy had everything covered that I often wonder if this wedding didn’t happen, would we still be together? All of us, completely oblivious about the existence of the other person in the picture?!?! However, things happen for a reason and I am grateful that there was this wedding. I know I had my doubts but I did not expect this. I mean a girlfriend of 5 years and a baby!!!!

While the girlfriend and I were chatting and sharing stories and trying to call our Mr to hear what he had to say, there was more happening at this same wedding. It came to light that our dear man did have a plus one… his pregnant wife😳🤬😡. 7months pregnant wife!!! TO BE CONTINUED

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Sweet Guy turns Yoruba demon!

Not-a-demon_small-1.gif Hey folks, I would like to introduce you all to Debo before he became the charming Yoruba Demon he is today (LOL). Debo at 20 was this sweet young guy who had big aspirations and knew what he wanted in life; a wife, a great job that would be the stepping stone to becoming his own boss and to live a fulfilled and happy life. For the wife part, Debo already knew from day the day he saw her who this would be. For him, it was love at first sight and as soon as he could finally get her attention, he would do anything to make sure she would be with him and no one else and of course being the determined guy he was, within a few months, he got his girl and everything else would fall nicely into place. You’re wondering who this girl is and what was so special about her right? Well, me too… but they say, guys always know when they see the one they want to be with. The jury is out on that one.

For Debo, his the one” was this pretty girl he had sort of known for some time as a friend of a friend (Let’s call her Lola) and he finally met her officially when they ended up at the same university, they became part of the same group of friends. Lola was pretty, smart and sociable, one of those people with a bubbly personality and got on with everyone, maybe a little flirtatious but hey, she ticked all the boxes for him. Initially, Lola played the long game with Debo, I mean, it was clear he was into her so why not make him work for it. She knew she wanted to be with Debo or at least someone like Debo because she could see he was very ambitious and also outgoing and he would make for a good boyfriend. Lola would flirt with him but for a while she rebuffed his advances but Debo was determined and finally he got what he wanted and they became an item.

Move forward a year or so, Uni is over and he Debo landed a sweet, well-paying job in the city with a promise to rise within the ranks quickly and that part was going to be easy enough; he was smart, charming, knew how to schmooze (LOL) and knew the right people to network with so he knew from the beginning that he was going to stick with this new job and make it work so he could then move on to bigger and better positions and companies.

He was entrepreneurial and knew he didn’t want to be stuck behind a desk forever! He needed something that will allow him to be his own boss so he decided to start a side gig as a club promoter, now that is going to be the money maker. People love a good night out and he knew enough people who knew more people and there is always room for a promoter so he met up with some friends, got into the club promoting business and started throwing some fun nights.

Our dear Debo was on a roll with things falling nicely into place, shortly after he started his first job, he bought an apartment, the ultimate bachelor pad (at least it was meant to be that) but within a few months Lola was pretty much living with him. His world revolved around her so when she started spending most days at his place, he couldn’t say no. Debo did everything he could to make sure Lola was happy. For him, she was the one and losing her to another guy was not an option.

Everything was going well for Debo so what made the sweet Debo the ultimate YD?

Most of us would have heard that a YD (Yoruba Demon) is normally borne after a heart break. I believe in some cases, people say it’s a cultural thing where guys think that because their forefathers had multiple wives and in polygamous relationships, it is therefore in their destiny to be in polygamous relationships…. Some people also say that it may be as a result of their upbringing where they grow up as the only boy, spoilt by his mom and sisters, getting all the attention and therefore are not satisfied with getting attention from just one girl and some other theories have been put out there but who really knows. Whatever the case may be, Debo was turned into the demon he is today mainly because of a heart break.

So, as we know it, Debo is happy, checking his boxes of things to do and what he wants and he was on the right track but Lola who knows what Lola’s thoughts were, was she on the same page as Debo? Or was she just going along on this train ride waiting to see where the destination would lead her but without being fully aware of the journey itself. The thing is that Debo was so intent on making sure he focused on his work and business and also wanted to maintain a healthy social life and giving the right amount of attention to his girl. He would work crazy hours during the week, spend his evenings sorting out the business side of things, Saturdays, he and Lola would go out to hang with their friends (I mean there were not enough days in a week, so what other day could he possibly use as his hang out day) and Sunday, he was just too tired so it would mean chilling at home to start the week over and then once a month was their very special date night or weekend away. I mean that should be a pretty decent balance right?! Any girl should be happy with this arrangement, No?! Well… maybe or maybe not. In this instance, Lola may not have been very happy or perhaps it just wasn’t enough for her.

Their consistent week in, week out plan became a bit of a routine and one that went on for a long time and I guess that can get a bit dull, we all want that extra spice in our life in general and definitely in a relationship. If you are in a routine at the early stages, what would you do years down the line?

Debo and Lola had gotten into such a routine which worked just fine for Debo and he had assumed Lola was happy with the way things were going. Perhaps he got complacent and lost himself in the money making side of life but Lola was not happy and she was starting to get bored with the routine. Let’s talk a little about Lola, she was a smart chic and had a good job herself, she liked to have fun and had a very sociable group of friends so she got invited out constantly to parties and dinners. Initially, she would invite Debo but he just had too much on his plate so he rarely made it to these events. Lola wanted to go out but she also wanted to spend time with Debo, so on some occasions she would tell her friends she was busy just so she could spend the evening with Debo but that got a bit old for her so she stopped asking him to go out and just went out with the girls whenever she was asked…. I mean, there wasn’t much else happening, it was better than sitting in doors watching him work when she could be out living it up and getting a bit of attention that she would not be getting at home. Can you see the cracks beginning to come through? Debo was on one train journey and Lola had gone from oblivious passenger and was moving to the barely on the train phase. Let’s move on.

The Engagement Plan:

A few years into their relationship, Debo figured it was time to switch things up and began the next stage of his long term plan. To make Lola his wifey!

Totally oblivious to the fact that Lola’s attitude or mood in the relationship had changed, Debo set about his plans to propose. He had spoken to his parents and his boys and he needed to plan the big proposal and then a party. He had saved up a pretty hefty sum for the ring and just needed the perfect surprise proposal.

He knew he didn’t want one of those flashy proposals where everyone was present he wanted it to be romantic and special so he decided to call on a couple of his guys to put his plan to action. From ring shopping to the date he would propose and all the extras that would go with it. Let’s not forget that this proposal was to be a surprise and with Lola pretty much living with him, any planning had to be done at a bar with his boys and during the week.

A slight flaw in this plan though – Debo and Lola had a routine right, Debo was usually home during the week and Lola was the one who was usually out, however, Debo suddenly changing his routine,

going out after work or “working late”. Lola noticed and well… Hmmm… what is going on here?

Anyway, back to the proposal plan- Debo was so caught up in getting the proposal right that he did not notice the changes in Lola’s general attitude, he also did not seem to notice that she was hardly around anymore. He just took it to be work and hanging out with her friends which is what she told him she was doing at the end of the day so why worry that anything was amiss.

People talk and do secrets really stay secrets During the planning, of Debo’s friends kept questioning him about his decision to propose and whether it was the right time and if he was 100% certain that he was doing the right thing however, Debo was caught up and in love and could not see why anything should change or why he should wait any longer but his guy kept asking until Debo told him to back off and stop acting like he was jealous, after all, the guys knew Lola and they knew how he felt about her so what’s the issue!!! On the other hand, the rest of the guys would constantly tease him about finally flying the coup and becoming a grown man, leaving the single life behind, the usual guy banter and they would also drop hints about whether he was sure she was the one and was he really ready for the married life?!?!? For Debo, there was no doubt, he was going to go ahead with it all and he told his guys they needed to stop messing around, he needed their support 100%.

Anyway, He met up with his friends a few times again, bought the ring (you should have seen the rock on that bad boy), the date was set, now he just needed to make sure Lola wasn’t home on the night so he could get things set up.

Let me give you a quick insight into how the proposal was to go, I mentioned in the last story that Debo knew how to do the whole romantic thing right, well, he was going all out for this one;

He would tell Lola he was going away that weekend so she would go out with her friends (as per her usual routine when he was away for work). He would leave work early, pick up the ring from the jewellers, flowers from the local florist and some candles. He had ordered her favourite bottle of bubbly and was going to order in her favourite meal. There will be rose petals and candles from the front door, the petals will lead her into the living room, where he will be waiting glass of champagne in hand and soulful music in the background(you can totally envision it right). After the proposal, he would whisk her off for the rest of the weekend to Paris to celebrate before arranging a party for friends and family. He was excited and needed to get home to get things going.

Sadly, his plans were not meant to be.

Proposal Day:

With a smile on his face and a skip in his step, carrying flowers, shopping and the ring in pocket. Debo gets to his door and could hear something in his flat and he thinkswait, that’s weird. I know I turned everything off when I left… That sounds like the shower running…. Damn! If it is, I need to get in quick and sort it out and I hope I’ve not flooded the place. This cannot ruin my plans this weekend. He rushes in…. Ah man! That’s the shower, shit shit shit! Ok no stress, no flood, just a big water bill this month. He rushes into the living room, drops everything on the sofa so he could rush back to the shower to turn the water off and he hears something else and.… Hang on, what’s that noise??? And why is the bed all messed up??? Aaah man, Lola!!! Looks like she decided to come home this evening instead of going out. If that’s the case, hmmm I’ll need to change my plans and get her out somehow or maybe I can switch up the plans and take her out instead and then pop the question after dinner, for now, let me join my girl in the bathroom and surprise her.

He heads for the shower and on getting closer to the door, he heard more than the shower running… Wait, wait, waitHe bursts into the bathroom to find Lola and one of his friends in the shower!!!

What A Wow!!!!!!

So, here we have Debo, fully loved up walking in on his girlfriend with another guy, not just another guy but one of his guys. Damn!

Our sweet Debo was crushed, beyond crushed even, how did he not realise what was happening and how could she do this to him and in his own flat!!! She was “the one” at least he thought she was the one… How did he get it so so wrong!!!! The one thing he decided on after that was that he would NEVER let that happen to him again. 

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Dating a Yoruba Demon

Sometimes ladies, we do love a bad boy don’t we! We are so easily attracted to them and it can’t be helped. They are charming, well dressed, know the right things to say and do to totally impress us.

This time around, I will be writing about the aptly named “Yoruba demons” or as they have renamed themselves “Yoruba angels”.

What or shall I say, Who is a yoruba demon?

A Yoruba demon is typically a young man of Yoruba (the Yoruba is a tribe predominantly found in South West Nigeria ) descent who has the uncanny gift to effortlessly make ladies fall head over heels in love with him. He is naturally a gifted smooth talker and prides himself in been able to acquire a huge followership of female admirers and side chicks. He is also gifted at absolving himself of any responsibility in his relationships. Generally, he is a seductive cock-tail of sweet and bitter.

There is no going back after you date a Yoruba demon, you keep coming back for more.

Also, the Yoruba demon does usually tries to come back, after you think you’ve ended things, they will at some point contact you to see if they can “hook up”.

 

Just to add, this definition now includes all tribes and not solely the Yoruba guys however,  you will most times come across a lot more of them being yoruba. (Sorry guys)

DISCLAIMER: This terminology does not cover all men!!!! There are some truly amazing Yoruba guys out there.

I should also say my dear friends, International Demons are a thing too!!!! Like WOW!!!

The International Demon is rather similar to the Yoruba demon but these guys can be based anywhere in the world but travel a lot for “work” hmmm. They have the same swag, charm and know how to make a girl swoon. This may have to be a story for another day so I don’t digress too much from this story.

 

Before I go on, I want to say that not all guys that cheat fall into this category, some guys (and girls) are just simply insatiable and out for their own gain. They want to have their cake, eat it and keep the 6 pack (stole that line from a friend – it’s just too good!)

 

Anyway, back to our darling Yoruba demons.

 

After my recent experience and thinking back on past relationships and my situationship, also hearing about other people’s stories, I have been wondering, what brings about the creation of a Yoruba demon?  

 

Let’s see if we can get any enlightenment from Tola & Debo’s situationship story:

Tola’s Story on dating a demon:
Your typical yoruba demon knows the right things to do and his tongue is sweet, he also knows how to look good and carries himself very well:

Being with Debo was something of a whirlwind romance that turned sour so quickly and I totally missed the signs because I was so caught up in the “Debo lifestyle”!

The initial 6 months of us being together was great, dates, movie nights in and doing a lot together.

He would go out of his way to try new things all in the name of taking me somewhere amazing. He really did put a lot of thought into everything he did.

I met Debo at this swanky rooftop bar in the city, I was out with a friend and it was apparently his “local” bar that he frequented (as you do).

Initially, I was not interested, he was just this guy that knew my friend. He came over to say hi  to her so I didn’t make any effort but he was friendly and also very polite. I may not have been interested but I was impressed. This guy well dressed, H to T, smelt good too and offered to buy our drinks. Hmmm, it’s been a while since that happened but he wasn’t my type so meh!

After the night out, my friend tells me that she got a message from her friend and that he wanted to know if he could have my number.

‘Really? Why didn’t he just come over at the bar and ask himself! Besides, did you see all those girls hanging on his every word and watching his every move? No, thanks. Don’t think I want the headache.’

 

‘Hun, don’t be silly! He’s a nice guy. Just go on the date and you’ll have fun! So, can I give him your number?’

 

‘Yeah, sure… why not!’

 

Yoruba Demons know how to impress a girl they are trying to get:

First date and we are at another really cool rooftop bar, had a quiet little table in the corner. He ordered my favorite bottle of wine and we talked all night. This guy was so charming and the conversation was easy, a bit of banter, jokes thrown in, he got my sense of humor and had a good sense of humor too.

At the end of the night he ordered a cab for me and he didn’t even try to go in for a kiss. I mean, we had been drinking all night, I was tipsy and he didn’t even try to make a move?! Damn!!!

I woke up to a text from him asking if I got home safe and how my head was (LOL) and asking me out on date number two.

Followed by a call shortly after because he wasn’t a texter and just wanted to talk and hear my voice…. Double swoon!
Side Note: being a Nigerian in London, one way or another people will always know people and you will most likely find yourself at an event or party with someone you know at one point in time or another.

 

The point to the above is, that I love afrobeat (style of music, if you’re not sure) and I would not say no to going to an afrobeats night and it turns out that Debo and I knew the same group of people and ended up at similar nights out.

I had gone from not knowing this guy and somehow never noticing him to him being at some of the club nights I went to.

LIke, how did I never notice him before?? Silly question really… you know those guys in a club that turn up with the shades on, have the table and are literally surrounded by girls.

Anyhu, back to the double swoon! Debo, knew how to impress a girl and he was good at it. I had to ask the question – ‘Hey, how comes you’re still single? Like, I don’t mean to offend you or anything but I’ve been having such a great time with you so I just wondered’

I would also like to blame the wine for the no filter or word vomit moment!

He took it well though; ‘oh, I was in this long term relationship and just looking for something solid, you know. I go out a lot and sometimes you meet people especially in clubs or bars and it’s just not what I’m after…’

And of course, the conversation went on to what we were both looking for in terms of life and relationships and again we had another great conversation and I thought wow things are going so well but I’m not sure… there’s just something I can’t put my finger on. Anyway, it’s early days so who knows, right?!

 

From Whirlwind to slow paced

I’d like to say, I didn’t know when things changed but that would be a lie. It was there from the get go but I was dazzled by the romance of it all. However, by the time I had talked myself into possibly being with Debo long term, my eyes suddenly opened up, the rose tinted goggles had finally come off.

 

Another point – If his phone is busy or switched off from Friday night to Sunday morning, yoruba demon.

For instance, I’m busy tonight cause I’m out and I’ve got a friend staying at my place because she’s not able to get home at that time of the night but I’ve got an amazing treat for you lined up.

And I’d be like ‘oh ok cool see you soon and have fun.’ When I then try to call him, no answer or it goes straight to voicemail.

That changed and I started to actually hear what was being said …WOAH “she”???? How is that ok???

 

Another example: During the whirlwind period, when we turned up at the same night out, I’d sit there, enjoy the “attention” and drinks and all that was happening around me, ignore the side eyes from people. I know I’d get dropped off at home or get a taxi ordered to take me home (yay!)

Without the rose tinted goggles – We’re at the club and I am now beginning to notice the girls shooting daggers at me and looking like they wanted to knock me out whenever he came over to talk to me. Also, I began to notice the side eyes he was giving girls who he’d later be at the bar buying drinks for. All in the name of being “Mr Nice Guy”.

 

I would try to address these issues and Debo would tell me I was being silly and it was nothing to worry about but I was seeing these things now, the glasses were off and I wasn’t going to just accept the razzle dazzle of fancy dinners and gifts. Like if we are going to be serious this can’t be happening and I told Debo that was how I felt. I mean we had that kind of relationship right. We can talk to each other about anything…. Or so I thought.

 

I saw a post once and it read something along the lines of;

When your guys texts go from

“Good morning beautiful”

to

“Good morning”

To

“GM” You know he’s no longer that into you.

 

Well, that’s how it went…. The messages started to change, the date nights went to nights at home and the I’m not a texter changed to maybe a couple of texts a week and no calls.

 

Another point – If he never answers the phone when you’re together, yoruba demon

One saturday morning, I’m at his place and his phone is ringing like crazy while he is in the bathroom, some girl, calling non-stop and then she texts, what should I wear today, is there a dress code or just casual?

Er…. what??!!! I’m confused… ‘Debo, your phone has been ringing non-stop and your “friend” is asking you what she should wear??? Didn’t realise we were going out. I thought you said you were going to your parents for the day?’

 

‘Yeah, I am going to my parents. She’s just asking because I know the guy who is hosting the party so guess she thought to ask me?’

 

‘Oh… really??? Ok…’ They are also sweet with lies and sharp in their reply.

 

Yeah, look I won’t be gone for long, just hang out here and cook us something good for dinner, yeah! Thanks

 

He got back that night later than he had said and his dinner ready and waiting, I was getting ready for bed but I was vexed! ‘Why did you tell me you’ll be back soon when you know you were going to be late? Why did you ask me to make any dinner if you knew you won’t make it back anyways??? Besides, you said you were going to your parents and there’s a picture of you on insta at some BBQ what is that about??? Like what is this and why are you doing this?’

 

‘No, no, it’s not like that! My friend that text earlier said her friend that was meant to go with her to the party couldn’t make it and she didn’t want to go alone. It was on my way home and I didn’t plan on being there for long but you know I just lost track of time. I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you and you know I’d prefer to come home and have a home cooked meal anyways. Sorry ok.

Come and join me, I don’t want to eat alone. Besides! You’re the one that matter more anyways’

 

Did anyone pick up on that? The part where he said “you’re the one that matter more anyways” part. You did?! Ok, cause I did too but I also missed it. I missed it because he went straight on to asking me how I was, what I did all day and what I had planned for the rest of the weekend etc. So, whilst I picked up on the comment, I also totally missed it or rather, I didn’t get the chance to react.

 

SIDE NOTE: In my last blog, I mentioned how to get a girl to easily forgive you for being in the wrong, this right here is how to do it. Charm your way in and make it all about the girl not about you. Looks like that tends to work.

 

Another point of view I’ve heard with regards to the “you’re the one that matters more line”

Someone once said ‘you should look at it this way, it’s like having a favourite pair of trainers or shoes right. These shoes are the pair you would never get rid of but you still have to go out and buy or try on new shoes but they are not your favorite pair of shoes’

 

Anyway, Debo and I continued like this for a few more months but we were on a downward slope only problem is that I was so into him, I mean, he had everything I thought I wanted in a guy so if he isn’t sleeping with these girls then I can cope.

I just want to say, ladies, relationships should not be something you should stay in if you are just coping. No, when you think it’s ok to just cope with things, then you know it’s not going to work and you’re not with the person you should be with. COPING DOES NOT WORK.

 

Time to move on

I finally got tired of coping, I mean, how could I not. Things got ridiculous. I would be with Debo, he would get a call and then go out, leaving me to spend the night on my own. Get back late or sometimes the following day. Gift in hand and apologising because things just got out of hand and it was meant to be a quick drink that got wild.

 

When he wasn’t out, his phone would ring constantly and when I bothered to check the caller, it would be some girl or other calling but they were “not important“ so you know, it doesn’t matter. Right? Sigh….

I mean, there really is only so much crap a girl can take and I took as much of the crap from Debo until the night he was at mine and his phone starts ringing again this time it was midnight,  another girl and then she follows it by a text –  I thought you said you were coming over tonight? I’m waiting ;p ;p xx

 

‘Debo!!! Please come and take your phone, your friend has called like 3 times and wants to know when you are coming over?’

 

‘What friend? Look just ignore it? It’s not what you’re thinking’

 

‘Not what I am thinking??? Mate, if you’re going to try and lie your way out of this one, then you shouldn’t have your notifications on!!! You need to go and meet your “friend” and just let’s call it quits. I’m done…. I can’t deal with this anymore.’

 

‘You want me to leave? Like really? I should leave?’

 

‘Yes, just go’

 

Exits Debo.

 

The whole time we were together, I knew what I was in. I mean, there was no label but I chose to hang in there trying to cope. I knew that we won’t go anywhere because I saw the looks I got when people saw us together, the look of pity from the guys and the side looks from the girls. I saw it but chose not to “see”.

Debo had even commented that he wasn’t looking to settle down anytime soon, however, I just wasn’t hearing him.
Until I finally started to listen and see for myself. With relationships, we do have to learn from our own mistakes. It’s just the way it is, we have to live and learn. However, don’t sit in a relationship and get stupid.

 

After a long period of my situationship, I went out dancing with some friends, got chatting with one of the guys who is a mutual friend of mine and Debo. He told me that while I was with Debo, he had been dating several other girls and he was surprised that I had been with him for so long.

Debo is big on the scene so everyone knew and apparently knew his business and questioned whether I was side chic or Main chic. I would say that Debo would probably be at the top of the yoruba demon list. He certainly ticked all the boxes and more but I was lost in the demon sauce. 

 

I would love to say that leaving Debo was easy but I still liked him, he was still part of the Nigerian community so of course, I would still see him out and about and he still has that Yoruba demon charm.

My work when I do see him is to be sure I don’t get trapped by the charm again. I know the signs and hope I have learnt.

 

How did this Debo become this way though? He really is a nice person and actually really cool to hang out with and have fun with… such a waste of what could be a good man.

 

Debo’s story to follow in my next blog.

My life or a movie continued…

So the first knock out round and I think ok, I’m up and ready to attack and then boom pow the next hit…..His wife who was about 7 months pregnant and was his plus one at the wedding.  So his friend isn’t cray cray and actually allows his groomsmen to have plus ones!

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Before I go into the rest of the story, here’s another important tip:

Surround yourself with strong, encouraging and wonderful people, both in friends and family. When you meet great friends treat them as you would want to be treated, be there for them because you never know when you’ll need their strength. My friends pretty much carried me through and I will always be grateful to be blessed with such amazing women.

 

So, here I am at home with my Friday night plans swiftly put to bed and reeling from the news and then being hit with another big news…. he has a wife !!!! A pregnant one too!!! This has got to be the worst Friday night ever!!!!

I’m sure you’re wondering how we found out it was his wife right? You may want to grab a drink for this.

I mentioned previously that I had a couple of friends going to this wedding so while one was uncovering one drama, our other friend came over to their table with some observation of her own;

Erm… is that (for the sake of the story, let’s call him Jack) Jack over there? I don’t know but he has been paying a lot of attention to that pregnant lady over there ‘and of course everyone’s attention is turned on pregnant lady. The girls then decide that they should have a chat with Jack to see if he had anything to say about the situation.

I look back and think ‘if only I could be a fly on the wall, perhaps I’d have learnt a lot more’ but I’m not fly so I learnt as events occurred.

I was home though and thankfully with another friend whom I was supposed to be going out with.  I was in a state of some sort of shock, taking calls from the girlfriend as well as trying to call Jack and then I get another call from my friend…

‘I think he’s here with his wife or something’

Basically the story goes something like this – my friend and I stepped out to talk to Jack and this pregnant lady (who we think is with him) came out after us acting all weird saying we were talking about her and laughing at her…

‘Jack, what’s going on, these girls keep looking at me and seem to be talking about me…’ and his response…  “Jill” (lol, sorry I had to). ‘Jill, get back inside’

Then I had that moment again, I think the world most have stopped!

 ‘Shit! Jill?!?! ‘

 

‘Yeah, wait you know who she is???’ 😐😐😐

 

‘OMG, I knew it, I flipping knew it! This cannot be happening!!!’

‘Who is she?!?’

‘His wife’

At this stage, I feel defeated ‘his wife’ …I hung up and cried, I cried like I’d never cried before. I had known all along and I let myself get dragged along in this charade. I cried because I was hurt and at the same time relieved (it was finally all out and it was over) and so many other reasons. It all came out in tears.  There’s no avoiding it all now, certainly can’t bury my head in the sand anymore! I wanted a no return sign and here it all was. There was no going back from this, no amount of apology or excuse could make me take him back. I was out of this drawn out relationship that I knew within me I wanted out of but at the same time, didn’t want it to be over but we were done, NO TURNING BACK!

 

How did I know Jill was the wife?

About a year into our relationship, I had my concerns and kept questioning what the heck this guy may be hiding. Something was not right!!! My gut was trying to tell me something. You know, women’s instincts and all that.

So, I did what was the only normal thing to do….GOOGLE!  They say Google is your friend right?! So come on Google let’s get to sleuthing!

Searched his name and trawled through the internet. I searched, found Jack and that he was registered at an address with Jill who has the same surname and was the only name linked to him that I could find. The information was up to date but this guy claimed he lived alone.  Also, thanks to auto-complete on my laptop, I could match his address to the one I found.

Just so you know, Jack had no social media so that was out of the question to get any information however, he had joined insta so he could “see what I posted” and Jill was one of his followers but with a private account.  Even his siblings had social media but private accounts and nothing about him.

Perhaps I should have sent messages to his siblings!!? They had facebook profiles at least but again, nothing with Jack in it. Weird!

At the time I didn’t know what to think! I should’ve just confronted him and called it quits right? Wrong, I asked him but in a roundabout way and of course he completely denied it.

We even spoke on FaceTime the Saturday after I found Jill’s name linked to his and his address, I was barely paying attention to the conversation, just looking around for signs of another person living with him. I went back through pictures he had sent me before of him in his flat and nothing.       Stupid to think I’d get anything from that, I know but I did it anyway.

 

Somehow I convinced myself that she may just be a relative or just some random family member…  you don’t have to say it! Stupid!!!   I had asked and done all I could do and gone through my “memory house” to see if anything popped out at me and nothing, so I prayed and let it go. I had no real proof and I couldn’t possibly say I’d done all those searches, could I!!!

 

Another lesson, the moment doubt creeps in and you can’t shake off that doubt. Maybe it’s time to bow out of the situation.

I however carried on, the three blind mice saw clearer than I did at this point.

So, when the name came up again, I knew exactly who she was!

 

The girlfriend and I talked again because she also just found out about the wife and she was not happy. She was going to find him and confront him, he had to explain himself! She called her friend and they drove to his place. Jack was ignoring both our calls and had left the wedding with Jill and answers were needed.

So, there’s the girlfriend on a war path and me at home trying to come to terms with everything and patiently waiting for Jack to call back and tell me it was all a bad joke.

 

He finally called, ‘look, it’s all a misunderstanding. I need to explain everything because it’s not all how it seems’

‘Jack, are you being serious right now? Not how it seems???’

 

‘I can explain everything but not over the phone, I need to explain but I need to sort things out here first, you shouldn’t have talked to anyone else before talking to me,  it’s all been twisted and messed up now but I’ll explain.’

 

So, I waited… I went through the usual motions trying to keep it together and not cry every time someone asked how I was.

The whole weekend was a struggle but I am again so blessed to have met some amazing people! My girls gave me strength to keep going. That whole weekend I just wanted to sit at home and cry but I didn’t, I wasn’t allowed to.

My best friend called and told me to get my butt up and go out and live my life because life goes on and I can’t be sitting at home crying, ‘he is not worth it!’ Another close friend made sure she drove round to take me out and even to church and I was encouraged every step of the way.

I don’t want to imagine what it would’ve been like trying to deal with this alone.

 

The manipulator at work

Jack finally calls and I’m like ‘Why? You asked me to trust you and I did! I took a step back, I was pulling away and you dragged me back in, only to have all this drama!!! Why? When you knew that you had all of this going on, why not just let things go when you had the chance? Where you ever going to tell me?’

 

‘How could I tell you any of this, it’s not the easiest of things to deal with and how would you have reacted? The pregnancy was a mistake, no one in my family knew that I had a child but now they know because “she” has called everyone. I left the country for a couple of weeks when I found out she was pregnant because it was not expected.  We were on and off, it wasn’t meant to happen!’ 

 

‘Why did you not say anything this whole time? Do you think it would never come out??And your wife???’ 

 

‘She’s not my wife!’ 

 

‘So, she just happens to have your last name and same address as you???’

 

‘No, it’s not like that… let me call you back!’ 

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At this stage, I should have just blocked his ass and let go but it’s not that easy, I wanted an explanation. I wanted to understand. I mean, it made no sense to me whatsoever and I needed clarity on the whole situation so I was going to keep talking to him until I got the information because I deserved to know!!!  Crazy! I know but he wasn’t going to just get away with it.

I should also note that the girlfriend and I were still chatting. So the minute he hangs up I sent her a message to tell her what was said and when he spoke to her, she’d send me a message to let me know what was said however the “baby mama” was also telling Jack everything I told her adding her own side notes to our conversation … what happened to solidarity and all that, sisters sticking together… I clearly think too much of people sometimes. Here I thought we had something in common and we could stand together and get to the bottom of this huge betrayal but apparently it was each person for themselves! Fair Enough, she owes me nothing right?!

I say this because the next time Jack called and I was expecting apologies but he tried to flip the situation and basically he said he couldn’t tell me anything or explain because his conversations with me were being twisted and played back to him and that I had made up stuff about our relationship and told his girlfriend!

Hello proverbial slap!!!

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How did we go from you being the issue to what I said and to whom?!? You cannot be serious right now!!!

I’m done! Call ends, his number deleted and I’m sooooo done! 

 

A few days later, I had been reading up on forgiveness etc and being the “good Christian girl” that I am (hehe) I sent a message, I’ll never understand but I forgive you!  Deleted all messages and that was that!

You’re wondering why I did that right. I wish I had just left things as they were but we live and learn.

When I sent the message, I thought that in order for me to fully forgive and start the healing process, I had to say to the person that I forgave them…

But that message prompted a regrettable sequence – my phone rings – hmmmm, that wasn’t meant to happen….

‘Hello…’ 

‘Oh I didn’t think you’d pick up’ 

Oh dear Lord please give me strength

‘I didn’t mean to, wish I hadn’t’ 

‘Can you talk? We need to talk’

 ‘No! I’m on the train home!!!’ Now that really should’ve been no, never call me again you sick SOB .

‘Ok, I’ll call you later’ 

‘FINE!’

 

Manipulation lesson 101

When you’ve offended someone, find a sob story and lay it on the person you’ve upset thick and fast. Apparently, that is supposed to make the offended party forget the issue at hand and feel sorry for you.

Does it work? Yes, when you really cared about the person however, it’s not a long term solution.

 

He called, we spoke, sorry I meant he spoke, about how he had been so ill since everything happened, how he would’ve called sooner to explain but he just was too sick (yes, please roll your eyes with me) we should meet up and talk things through. He didn’t think I’ll take his call and thought I’d have blocked him which would’ve really hurt him more than anything else…  me, me, me.

I’d like to point out at no point was there a “how have you been coping”. Nothing!

Conversation ended and we were back to messaging each other.  I have no idea what he thought was going to happen or maybe he thought he was back in but I was still after that explanation.

We made arrangements to meet up the following week and I thought finally, I will have an ending to this story and some sort of an understanding that will allow me to close this chapter and move on.     D Day arrives, I head out to the city and I dressed up, made sure I looked great! In my head, I was singing ‘best thing you never had, you turned out to be the best thing I never I had’ (the Beyoncé song) We walk to the bar in silence, I order a drink and we grab a table and nothing, so I decide to start the conversation;

‘So, what do you have to say about this whole situation?’

‘Why don’t you ask the questions and I’ll answer’

‘Off to a great start already….fine then!’

I started asking the questions, asked about his daughter and he confirmed, yes, it was his child and the girlfriend you claim you guys were on and off??

‘She’s my girlfriend’

‘She IS your girlfriend! Wow!!!

‘Your wife?’

‘I’ve told you, she is not my wife! I can’t go into details about how we are connected because that’s personal and I’m not going to share the details’

Wow!!! Ok… so that’s how this is going to go!!! I’m getting the attitude. This boy best watch himself, cause I’m about to switch!

So, you didn’t tell your “GIRLFRIEND” that you married her because you were trying to help her out with stuff???’

‘This is exactly what I said before, you guys seem to have become best friends talking all the time and sharing information about things. Then the things I say get twisted and I hear it from one of you and it’s completely twisted. If you guys already know everything then you should just keep talking to each other.  I don’t even want to say anything anymore’

‘Are. You. Being. Serious right now! Are you forgetting that the reason we are meeting is because of what you have done? You are in the wrong and you’re talking about people twisting your words and trying to switch things to what? Lay blame on who? Perhaps if you had tried being honest in the first place, you wouldn’t be getting this shit!!!!

Do you know what, you are scum, you do not deserve my time or to share the same air that I breathe. Delete my number and don’t ever contact me!’

 I grab my bag and walked out of the bar. One thing I do regret, is not pouring my glass of wine over him. That would have been so so good! I think. LOL. If I did pour my wine over him though, it wouldn’t have stopped there and I may be in jail right now for GBH or worse…. LOL

I walked out, deleted his number, blocked his ass and I felt so free! The question people ask, is if he ever tried to contact me. I have no idea. He still watches my insta-stories so I’ve now blocked him on that too. (I did not know you could block people on insta LOL).

A couple Sundays after this, our lead pastor preached on 360 degrees forgiveness. He used an epic example on how un-forgiveness works; when you are bitten by a snake, you can do 2 things, let the poison work its way through your system while being angry at the snake and trying to take out the snake or harm the snake and then it kills you OR, you realise that you’ve been bitten and you need to get the venom out, you let the snake go and you get yourself urgent help to get the venom out.

Same theory with forgiveness, trying to hold on to the grudge and wanting to exact revenge does nothing for you. You just become bitter and you hold yourself back. You have just got to let go and work on moving on and work on improving yourself.

When he finished preaching, I was in tears (probably)along with a few people in the service but I needed to hear that.

It was finally time to move on, I needed to stop plotting ways to hurt him, I needed to get rid of the poison fast before it consumed me and just let go! The minute I made that decision, I could feel the weights just fall off and I could start living again.  I made some rash decisions and went on a bunch of dates, maybe made some calls and started chatting to people I shouldn’t have but I knew there was no fulfilment in any of that and I needed to start living for me.

So, I am in a moment of singleness and I am enjoying me time. When the right guy comes along, I certainly will be ready because I know I won’t be holding on to any grudges or holding on to the past. Another thing I’ve learnt is that I am strong and I am unbreakable. When life pulls me back, I will keep aiming because something amazing is ahead of me.

The past can certainly define your future, you can either use it to make the best out of what is to come or you let it hold you back.

An arrow can only be released by first pulling it back. When life pulls you back, it simply means you're launching into something amazing.